Kaytii & Getting Sober

Getting Sober

Without custody

Finding sobriety & Getting sober. then, Staying sober. 

After losing the custody of my daughter, I had to endure the toughest struggles I had ever gone through. Physically giving up addiction and emotionally Overcoming myself was not something that I ever thought I could do; but, I was given the opportunity to grow when I accepted sobriety. I limited myself with excuses. I opened up my world when I stopped limiting a limitless, God.

© Kaytii

P.I There's always a starting point.

Trauma, emotional illness, physical handicaps and a life centered around thinking about myself lead to abusing substances to escape the world I created. I lived in a manic world of insanity ruled by a destructive self riot. My only goals were to survive and be happy. After accepting powerlessness and unmanageability of my addiction I then accepted I was no longer looking for happiness, but peace. Often, that disappointment would lead to its own desire to use. When I found I chased peace, I was okay with accepting that chaos that came along with it, but this time since I was accepting the chaos I was able to change the chaos and better myself before incomprehensible and irreconcilable actions could occur. Happiness came with peace, but it no longer was attached with lows when it left. When I chased happiness, disappointment would still occur but it no longer prohibited me from emotional blockage creating an ultimately self sabotaging, arrogantly entitled, ego. I found I was able to obtain to stay on a neutral path, which allowed me to still reach my goals. I no longer wanted to escape the world I was in by unzipping myself but had I gained the freedom of wanting to be present in the moments life offered me. 

All things change; change is the only constant guaranteed. Flexibility helps ensure our rigid ideas do not break us. By finding peace; we become more flexible, happier, and most importantly consistent. Consistency is key in order to to not block the potential within us that allows us to grow; spiritually, religiously, and philosophically, harmoniously. With these principles, we grow into the best version of ourselves and find the peace from within that aligns into well with the universal frequency of radiating, positive energy. Our goal of happiness is then manifested within peace and projected into each moment we choose to grateful for. The goal of peace umbrellas happiness and eagerly pours into cups willing enough to receive.

1. Finding God
2. God is either everything or God is nothing
3. Life is about perception
4. Getting sober
1. Going alcohol free
2. Recognizing; me, as an addict
3. Addiction isn’t just what I want to give us

Finding God.
Raised in home, where the religion of Christianity was taught gave me the foundation for my later years when searching for my understanding of God. I found myself as a child scared of the thought of Hell and attempting to practice what I was taught at Church to please God, to not go to Hell. That’s probably how or why I was able to lose my relationship with God in my teenage years. Although, I never gave up on the idea of God from about 12 years old to about 18 years old, I sure did start to have questions about what my Church was preaching about. 
This ultimately lead me to start to search for other philosophical ideas that would answer my lingering questions of doubt in Christianity. Over the years of 18 years old to 28 years old, I had my moments where I rekindled my relationship with God, but my self will’s riot ran stronger than my belief in God or Christianity and I would lose touch with my religious side, and find the chaos I was looking for back then.
But, once I lost what was truly most important to me in this world, I found God, again. The pain and fear in my heart was too great and my motivation to live was not the same as it once felt. I preserved with alcohol. My favorite drink the devil loved to hold out for me. Truthfully, in hindsight my relationship with alcohol became so strong my own stubborn will was not enough to stop. Regardless how desperately I wanted to put that drink down, I some how always insanely convinced myself that each time I drank the outcome would be better. I would be smarter …and possibly even smart enough that no one would know I had drank again, and broke another promise that I wouldn’t. When I promised myself I wouldn’t drink and even went the entire afternoon, until my friends spontaneously showed up at my house. Of course they had alcohol and I wasn’t going to refuse. This is when I learned that, it didn’t matter how hard I tried to let go of my addiction, it always found me. I was in addictions control. I had no way out. Where I lived would give me all the tools to hang myself or help myself, and though my belief in God and some sort of miracle, even the shy, social anxious person I was found a room full of people who loved me until I could learn to love myself.
These people had a program to help me with my addiction; but, only if I was willing to do the foot work. This is how I started to add into my daily prayers, 
“…Please, God remove the evil from my head and feet so that I may walk the path you have planned out for me. I trust the plan have  created for me is perfect…”
I have found that even though each day is not perfect, it’s a part of a perfect plan. I had to learn to trust the perfect plan, in order to relinquish my self sabotaging, self centered behaviors that lead me to destruction of incomprehensible and sometimes irreconcilable problems. Finding God to me did not just mean that now everything in my life was some how about to become a magical world or rainbows and unicorns.. No, it meant that I now had the possibility of being guided if I could just listen in a plan that was perfectly made for me. 
God is either everything or God is nothing. 
God is either everything or God is nothing. That is not just a concept, but a mentality. It’s a way of hope when despair sinks in. It’s important to include in this thinking that also means God’s plan is perfect. And if I am going to trust God’s plan is perfect, then I must embrace the difficulties I endure during God’s plan. It’s hard to keep faith when all else is lost. It’s hard to remain stable minded or emotionally regulated when truthfully, everything seems to be getting emotionally fucked. The challenged in God’s perfect plan though are not for me to criticize or create animosity to God. That saying of you will only be given what you can handle is true. This is hard to remember during the times it seems God is not with me, but that weak minded thinking is only my selfish mind to blame. 
It’s not up for me to decide what is best for me. I will always think that I know what is best for me. And, that is also why it’s hard to accept living life on life’s terms. I dictate my own future and God may have a plan for me, but my self-will will always have the freedom to determine my next step. At this point, I now must remember my own thinking and ideas, decision making, and spontaneous behavior is what lead me to lose the custody of my daughter. So, I ask myself this: “if living life on my terms and refusing to learn to live life on God’s terms worked out so poorly for me, why would I continue to behave in ways that lead me to pitiful decision making.” Truthfully, that is the insanity of addiction. After understanding, I need to give up my self sabotaging thinking and behaviors if I ever want to better myself, this is where the power of God steps in. This for me, is where the true freedom for myself began. Giving up the thought that God has limits. I should not ever limit a limitless God. Remembering that the gift of another chance is truly a miracle in itself, I can accept the possibility of a miracle in God’s perfect plan.
There’s no delusional thought process that a miracle can and or will occur in every situation. Sometimes, facts are plain and simply, just facts. Terminal illness cannot be cured and the dead just cannot come back to life. But miracles are possible in some situations. There must be sound and reasonably thought out logic to decipher where hope should be gambled. This isn’t an easily grasped process to understand. It takes levels to break down and understand, but ultimately the starting point after finding God is understanding that God is either everything or God is nothing. There is no in-between and when placing faith in God’s plan, there must additionally be an absolutely whole hearted trust in the plan God has created for everyone as well. Despite what trials and tribulations are faced, take each one as a test. But each test is pass or fail, with no ability to prepare. The only way to pass is to facilitate a new understanding towards spiritual growth. Each passed test is like a key that can unlock a new door. We must shut the door we leave behind, but in fact when each door opens and another one closes, we find miracles we never thought possible. 
Life's about perception. 
Life’s perception is up to the beholder. Mental health issues are not to be included into this though. Chemicals in the brain and environmental situations can cause predispositions to be expressed in what societal standards dictated the acceptableness of behaviors or responses to be deemed a mental illness. Things in this category are truly not to be included in the treatment of mental health illnesses. When acknowledging that life is about perception, it’s understand this concept of knowing our reality is only determined by us. What we take in from the world, what we learn, shapes our thinking which is ultimately what creates the philosophy that life is about perception. 
We extinguish negative thoughts by changing self talk within ourselves. Not easily done task but accepting what you must change, without skipping the step of acceptance allows proper change, ultimately persuading an old version of ourselves to see the reality for what thing’s are. Quick change is not sustainable. Change becomes static without acceptance first. Skipping the thought process of change without acceptance must first be to transformed. By understanding the necessity of acceptance, we allow a seed to be planted, so that this process may naturally occur within ourselves and have the longevity we are looking to make. Self talk becomes a journey of finding ourselves, accepting ourselves, and understanding that time will always change us, but we choose who we become through ourself self talk. This self talk guides us throughout our chapters of life. The narrative of our lives is the book we author, ands by better understanding how we, the author, have the ability to choose a better future, just by changing the way we talk to ourself.
Aligning our vibration to the universal is just as necessary as of a concept to understand as the way we choose to talk to ourselves changes our own life’s narrative. The universe operates in many frequencies. These frequencies uplift or downgrade our alignment that vibrates within the universe. Energy is the controller in aligning ourselves to the frequency of the universe we choose or allow. Positive energy or negative energy manipulate our own perception through all of our senses. By utilizing the energy within ourselves we then learn how to align our energy into that of the universe we wish to be at. Our self talk creates a positive energy within us that we as humans are capable of being to use and control to perceive whom we want to become. Therefor, what you believe about yourself is true enough to create who you are perceived as to the universe. We set our own standards for respect and how we think other should behave to or around us. This complex balance of humility and confidence are vibrations to the universe. Walking the tight rope of self illusion is to be decided from within, but understood the power it holds in how our vibration, energetically navigates the world around us. We choose positive, or we choose negative. But either way our energy is truly choice that grips a frequency controlling where we’re aligned universally; positive or negative. Our choice of positive or negative energy then logically makes aligning our vibration within the universe is our own choice of frequency to use. This starts within ourselves, how we talk to ourselves, and the frequency we choose to vibrate along to navigate life. 
Life is about perception. Our self talk starts with our perception. Which we have then logically concluded aligning our vibration is a choice of frequency we choose to navigate life with. How we perceive life is only a mere basis of our own persona. 7 billion plus persona’s scrambling around basing life of their own perception can create a recipe for disaster. The thought itself sounds lost, claustrophobic, ambiguous, and overall negative, when viewed. But, on the same token, let’s flip it. 7 billion plus personas vibrating on a multilevel, spectrum of vibrational energy, at which point anyone can catch and surf like a wave we all somehow know to ride. This perception is fun and positive. Where take ourselves is our own perception and choosing to be positive is only a choice. Bad things can still happen to positive people, but the perception of life is what creates a natural eb and flow of continuous moving energy that we chose to flow along. Our lives are therefore ruled off of our own perceptions and how we choose to take in the world.
Our perceptions must filter what we choose to be, and learn to let go of all things that do not serve us. It’s the choice of choosing to learn what serves us that allows us to surrender to in keeping only what serves us. We must remember our senses come from the world around us and we then use this to guide us through our lives. Each time this happens it’s a moment we see as meant to. By learning to trust that we are not always the best at deciding our own fates, we then enjoy the process of how life allows us to learn and grow from what we choose serves us best. Being able to properly filter what serves and does not serve us is not an easy choice to make, let alone to be done in a way that truly best serves us, adequately. Life may only seem random, but that is our perception. Are coincidences meant to occur? Is that where we allow the notion of fate to step in and then explain the holes we have left in our knowledge? Surrender to the idea that God is guiding our spirit through positive energy. Finding a perception that allows God to filter for us creates stability and hope that we have the potential. 
If we can believe in ourselves, we can believe in God. How can you choose your power is greater than that of the universe’s influence. By demonstrating the capability we have the ability to “believe” shows us we can choose to believe in anything. Belief is only bound by our own ideas and allowing room for omnipotent power assures us we have the capability to no limit a limit less God. We have the ability to believe and we choose in what to believe in. The power of ourselves is of great, potentially limited energy. In physical form of our own spirits we are limited by ourselves. An energy of unlimited physical freedom has the ability to become limitless. Therefore we can believe and choose to believe what powers us. Labelling this term as God, is only a creating definition of what can be. We know God to be limitless, therefor to label creates limitations. When stuck, feeling the energy the universe offer gives us key insight there is more to the world than just the energy we offer, therefor the energy we offer not every thing, but only part. The unlimited power is that of God and that of which can give more to the world than each individual can give. We ought to recognize that as something separate from us, bigger than us, and completely limitless in comparable to us then the idea that which we can only grasp a limited perspective. We are capable of believing in something as humans without tangible evidence. Even if you believe in yourself, you’re believing in your own future. That philosophy shows our mind is then capable of believing is something that is not guaranteed but something that is also not tangible either. Recognizing our potential for that belief is transformable to then allow our system of beliefs to grow into understanding the energy outside of us is a power greater than us and we are capable of believing in a limitless power greater than ourselves. 
It’s important to be obvious in defining our potential for believe in a limitless power outside of ourself when remembering we have ability in what we choose to believe. Tangible proof is unnecessary with the only requirement understanding belief is a frequency to choosing where our energy universally aligns. Life’s perceptions dictate our choices, so choosing what you believe in is important but very obvious it’s a choice. Logically choosing a limited power, limits yourself. If we believe our destiny is greater than we can forsee, then we logically ascertain the idea a power that cannot be limited is best suited to create a destiny better than we can forsee or imagine. 
Manifestation is the imagination we use within ourselves to understand a destiny we choose to walk. Each step is a brick we lay that creates our own destiny and then writes the pages of lives. Our lives are woven together in a universal fabric, and given that the life we create is our own choices, where we go in life is only a manifestation of how we limit ourselves, walk our own paths, write our own stories, and weave together shaping an overall universe. 

Getting sober coming next :)