Ch. 1 Finding GOD

Finding God.

Raised in home, where the religion of Christianity was taught gave me the foundation for my later years when searching for my understanding of God. I found myself as a child scared of the thought of Hell and attempting to practice what I was taught at Church to please God, to not go to Hell. That’s probably how or why I was able to lose my relationship with God in my teenage years. Although, I never gave up on the idea of God from about 12 years old to about 18 years old, I sure did start to have questions about what my Church was preaching about. 

This ultimately lead me to start to search for other philosophical ideas that would answer my lingering questions of doubt in Christianity. Over the years of 18 years old to 28 years old, I had my moments where I rekindled my relationship with God, but my self will’s riot ran stronger than my belief in God or Christianity and I would lose touch with my religious side, and find the chaos I was looking for back then.
But, once I lost what was truly most important to me in this world, I found God, again. The pain and fear in my heart was too great and my motivation to live was not the same as it once felt. I preserved with alcohol. My favorite drink the devil loved to hold out for me. Truthfully, in hindsight my relationship with alcohol became so strong my own stubborn will was not enough to stop. Regardless how desperately I wanted to put that drink down, I some how always insanely convinced myself that each time I drank the outcome would be better. I would be smarter …and possibly even smart enough that no one would know I had drank again, and broke another promise that I wouldn’t. When I promised myself I wouldn’t drink and even went the entire afternoon, until my friends spontaneously showed up at my house. Of course they had alcohol and I wasn’t going to refuse. This is when I learned that, it didn’t matter how hard I tried to let go of my addiction, it always found me. I was in addictions control. I had no way out. Where I lived would give me all the tools to hang myself or help myself, and though my belief in God and some sort of miracle, even the shy, social anxious person I was found a room full of people who loved me until I could learn to love myself.
These people had a program to help me with my addiction; but, only if I was willing to do the foot work. This is how I started to add into my daily prayers, 
“…Please, God remove the evil from my head and feet so that I may  walk the path you have planned out for me. I trust the plan have  created for me is perfect…”
I have found that even though each day is not perfect, it’s a part of a perfect plan. I had to learn to trust the perfect plan, in order to relinquish my self sabotaging, self centered behaviors that lead me to destruction of incomprehensible and sometimes irreconcilable problems. Finding God to me did not just mean that now everything in my life was some how about to become a magical world or rainbows and unicorns.. No, it meant that I now had the possibility of being guided if I could just listen in a plan that was perfectly made for me.